Thursday, August 18, 2011



I'm jittery, talkative, shaky, and nervous. And I found out yesterday that the levels of Prograf, an anti-rejection medicine I take, are dangerously high, causing my hyper state. High enough to be poisoning me and damaging my kidneys. I've been healthy since my pancreas transplant three months ago, but as they say in the transplant world, "You trade one set of problems for another--but you're alive. "The one anti-rejection medicine that can add five years to your life can also be very volatile and poisonous. It has to be checked often. The doctor will make adjustments and things will settle down.

But when this happens and I don't realize it, I can be more hyper and talkative than usual. And I am already ... hyper and talkative. But I'm happy. I love life. I'm interested in everything and I love to discuss matters and make people laugh. That's who I am.
"By the grace of God, I am what I am." (1 Corinthians 15:10 NIV1984)
Paul the apostle said it plainly; I am what I am. And I love that man!

In second grade, I was reprimanded for talking in class and made to face the corner with a dunce cap on. It was art period--my absolutely favorite period. And I was devastated. I'll never forget the shame, but more painful was the first sting of "you're not good enough" treatment. And many other people would add to my life-long ostracization from being too talkative.

Why do we pick on people so badly about who and what they are? Would we wield insults at a quiet person as easily as a loud, talkative one? When we do this, none of us really know what that person lives with or whether they, too, deal with medicine issues. Or, maybe their simply happy.

One of my memories was a train ride into New York City with my sisters. We lived on Long Island and were going to a show in the city. I was thrilled--so exited, and talkative. Once again the ticket taker on the train named me, CHATTERBOX and the fun of it convinced everyone I was bound to always be a nuisance.

I sometimes laugh and tell people I have a motor-mouth. But inside it hurts bad. I don't talk a lot to get attention and I don't need to be the star of life, I'm just who I am. The hurt from constant pickings at my persona will never go away. Even after my pancreas transplant three months ago I was targeted. My after-surgery psych eval noted, "Patient is in a good mood. Happy to be off insulin. Still very hyper."

I was happy. And blessed. Shoot me.

So from here on in, stop making fun of my hyper-happy self. And stop making fun of anyone and who they may be--period.

I am what I am. And I don't want to change. And God wants me to be who I am, too.

If you're a transplant patient, learn more about Prograf by clicking the logo to the left.

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  1. I love the person whom God made you to be Cindy:P Always stay true to that! Thats why I love this crazy, Italian lady! Duranclan

  2. Hi Cindy, you are so correct - we were made uniquely and people should celebrate that, not criticize it. Years ago when I was struggling with loving myself the way God made me, and even feeling some jealousy over women who were given so much earthly beauty, he showed me this verse:

    Romans 9:20 But who are you to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, why did you make me like this? Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

    You are an amazing woman of God, Cindy - your strong faith shines in your eyes and I was drawn to you when we first met. I am praying for your medicine to work without side effects.

  3. Cindy, I too am a transplant, heart, I'll be 6 years out on 9/17. I've dealt with Prograf, and it almost drove me over the levels were never stable, and the migraines were relentless. After three years, I was switched to cyclosporine and imuran, great combo for me. Our drugs do different things to different ones of us... I dare anyone who criticizes us to spend a day in our shoes.

    You spoke about being made to feel less of yourself, beginning as a child, so was I. I learned to, either walk away, or to just tell them, you may not think I'm worth anything, but I am a child of God and He molded me into who I am. Cindy, you are perfect, just the way you are. May God continue to bless you...

  4. Many of us suffered as kids from insensitive comments and dirty looks from teachers and we were just being kids!! But the important thing is we are redeemed in Christ and we are daughters of the KING!! It makes me mad when I think of all the damage words can and did cause but we need to rise above it and do what HE wants us to do, which is totally what you are doing every day. You are such a testament to "running the race". You will rise above this, too, and be victorious. Hugs, Susan H